I wish...

"What can i do to help?"

Well, can you erase my past? My memories? My thoughts? My pain?

Well?
Can you?

Its counting the months and feeling the days.

And suddenly, its been 108 days.

One thing i have learnt today:

For reports being sent out, the cover letter should be written by the principal.

Read any good books lately?

I am trying to establish if
a) its something about me which i can change
b) its something not about me which i can never emulate
c) its something about me which i can never change
d) its just me

I really rather it be (a).

Right.
My mind has been pretty preoccupied.
"Please don't give up now."
But really, didn't you give up on me first?

Am i giving up?
If anything, perhaps i've given up on myself first.

Shrug.
I have so much thoughts
but somehow all of them slipped my mind now.

Sometimes i write the most pathetic things.

I have a smelly pillow,
that's my constant bedfellow.
Its really cuddly
and extremely smelly.
And most certainly better than any gigalo.

A case of HFMD was found in my school yesterday. Alot of disinfecting going on. A perpetual smell of dettol lingered on everyone. Any more cases and we might have to shut down school before the school holidays next week.

I slide back into the mud pit these last two days.

I want more control of my mind.
Sometimes it gets out of control.
That's dangerous.

I hate hugging the toilet bowl.

I like my new haircut.

Saturday night.

This is the first time someone bought me a dress for a present.
The dress is a red with floral prints, thin shoulder straps and long.
Its very elegant and i shall be wearing it for the formal dinner next week.
I also received a black shawl to go along with the dress.
I liked it very much.
Thank you.

Saturday afternoon.

Friend's baby girl is one month old. I had the chance to carry her in my arms for a while. All i thought about was how much she had grown since i saw her (when she was 1 day old). She slept in my arms. And many other arms before mine. I was worried if she was comfortable being cradled in my arms. She squirmed a little and opened her eyes. Did i feel something momentuous? No. I just hoped that she wouldn't cry. Only when she was taken from me, i realized that perhaps it would have been more appropriate to think about more symbolic things. Perhaps of life and death. Of being parents. Of being married. Of having children. Of responsibilities. But all i cared about is if she would be uncomfortable and start to cry in my arms.

What is my life and hereafter?
Will i be lonely?
What thoughts are these?
Am i lacking in something?
What should i really be thinking?

Watched Guns and Talks during the week.
I enjoyed it.
It was light hearted and made me laugh.
It is important to watch something funny and laugh at the end of a tiring day.
That's why we did not watch Unfaithful.

At least this is what the official reason should be.

Weekend with him. I am ignoring my own home. Should i feel bad? I feel better really. I am doing something useful. Helping him with his things. But i still ask questions i shouldn't be asking. And he is still trying.

Its been awhile. What have i been up to? I am not really sure. Days passed by in a haze really. I remember meeting a friend for coffee on impulse. Had an interesting chat. When was the last time i did something on a spur of a moment? Plenty of times. These days i don't know what i am really thinking. I am grappling with the fact that perhaps i am more common than i think i am. I don't think deep thoughts. No insightful nuggets of wisdoms to share. Really plain. I can't even look at the everyday things that happened around me and try to derive some deeper meaning in them. I had dinner. Perhaps lunch. I worked. I came home. I slept. I drove to and fro. This is me. This is my life.

Is it important to have meaning in one's life? Another existentialistic train of thought? But really, i seldom go further than that. I thought that i needed meaning. Well, human beings need a purpose don't they? I thought i had some. Well, i thought. But these days, i don't think i do. I moved from moment to moment. No bigger picture in mind. I work for small goals. If you can call it goals. But there are times when i think there must be a bigger, grander meaning to my life. That will boost my ego. I looked for it half-heartedly during my spare time. Like now. But to be critical, there really isn't. I don't loom very large in the general scheme of things, of life. But then, majority of the people don't. Perhaps some of us would like to think that we are. Oh sure, we live for ourselves. I tell myself that to make myself feel bigger within my own self concept. Do others really care? Its pretty senseless. Such common drivel. I am common. You are common. Yet we tell ourselves that we are unique. No one is born the same. It satisfy my ego.

I make decisions based on what immediate or short term results i would get. The focus is narrow. How do i make it happy? Where should i stand? What should i say? What must i do? Little motions of the body and words being conveyed. Short term goals. Immediate reinforcement. Consequences. No bigger plan in mind.

Philosophy in a sushi diner.

Imagine that God is the guy behind the little window, churning out little plates of sushi and dishing them out onto the conveyor belt of life.
You can look at what life has to offer you and make a choice.
There might be nothing you like on the belt, but God never promised that he will make everything to your order.
Bad options are still choices. You always have a choice.

There are three types of consumer.
One that happily takes what there is on offer.
One that complains about everything on the belt but still takes what there is on offer.
One that decided, fuck it, and not eat sushi altogether.

Getting the waiter to go talk to the chef is not an option.